My 4 year old holds it in on purpose and I don't know how to help her
Hello everyone. I am Nuran, I look after my granddaughter who just turned 4. I want to ask about something that has been worrying me for a few weeks now. She holds her poop in. On purpose. You can see it happening, she goes stiff, crosses her legs, sometimes presses herself against the wall or a chair, and she has this look on her face like she is concentrating very hard. When I ask her what's wrong she just says nothing or sometimes she says it hurts. But I think she is afraid it will hurt so she holds it and then it does hurt because it's been in too long. It becomes a circle. I asked my daughter in law about it and she said it has been going on for maybe 6 or 8 weeks, maybe longer. The child did have one or two times where she went and cried. That seems to be when it started. My own mother used to give warm prune juice and a belly rub in the morning, and I did the same for my children. I did try offering her a little prune juice diluted with water and she drank it but I am honestly not sure if that is still the right thing to do or if there is something better now. I don't want to do something wrong. She is eating fine, drinking okay, active, no fever. But she is clearly uncomfortable and watching her hold it in is heartbreaking. Does anyone recognize this? What helped your child get through it?
Replies · 7
Nuran, yes. I recognize every single thing you just described. The wall pressing, the stiff legs, that concentrated face. My now 7 year old did this exact thing starting around age 3 and a half. It is genuinely one of the most stressful things to watch because you can see them working so hard to avoid the very thing that would help them. What you are describing, the fear of pain leading to holding, the holding making it worse, is really common at this age. A painful experience gets lodged in their memory and their whole body just refuses to cooperate. It can go on for a while if nothing changes the pattern. The most useful thing our pediatrician told us early on was that the goal first is just making sure she goes regularly enough that the stool never gets hard enough to hurt again. Once a child has a few easy, painless experiences they usually start to lose the fear. But getting those first few easy ones is the whole battle. I would absolutely bring this up with her doctor. Not because anything sounds alarming, but because they can check if there is any buildup and guide you on the right steps for her specifically. Six to eight weeks is long enough that it's worth a conversation.
Oh this thread, I needed to find this a year ago. We went through almost exactly this with my daughter who is now 5. I remember sitting on the bathroom floor watching her brace against the cabinet and feeling completely helpless. I just want you to know we are on the other side of it now. It took a few months honestly, but she goes without any drama almost every day now. Genuinely didn't think we'd get here. What made the biggest difference for us, aside from what the doctor set us up with, was really taking the pressure off the toilet. We stopped asking, stopped commenting, stopped hovering. We made the bathroom boring and safe. Sticker book in there, her little step, no audience. When she did go without a fuss I didn't make a huge deal of it either, just quiet calm. For our girl, the big reactions either way seemed to make her more anxious about the whole thing. Your instinct to be gentle and patient with her is exactly right.
The 'no audience' thing is so real. We had to actually leave the room, which felt counterintuitive when I was so worried, but it helped so much. She stopped performing for us, good or bad.
no advice from me mine is only 8 months so completely different world but I just wanted to say I read every word and the image of her pressing against the wall like that. poor little thing. and poor you. you sound like such a caring grandma.
Thank you all so much, I was not expecting replies so quickly. I feel a little less alone now. Selin, what you said about the pattern, the fear making it worse making it more fearful, that really clicked for me. I think that is exactly what is happening. I have been watching her hold it and quietly trying to coax her and I think maybe my attention on it is not helping her. İrem, the sticker book idea is something I can do tomorrow. She loves stickers. And you are right that I probably hover too much, I worry and she feels it. And to whoever wrote the last one, thank you, that was very kind. I will call the doctor Monday morning. My daughter in law has been meaning to bring it up and we have both been putting it off thinking it would resolve itself. Six or eight weeks is too long to just wait I think you are right about that. Can I ask, did any of your children have accidents because of the holding? She has had a couple and I did not handle it well the first time, I made a face and I think I scared her. I felt terrible afterward.
Yes, accidents are really common with this. When they hold it for a long time sometimes a little leaks out without warning and they have no control over it. It can actually be a sign the rectum is quite full. Definitely mention that to the doctor too, it's useful information for them. And please do not carry guilt about your reaction. You are human, it was a surprise, you made a face. What matters is that you caught yourself and you are thinking about it now. She is lucky to have someone who cares this much.
We had so many accidents. So many. And yes I also had moments I'm not proud of, just the sheer exhaustion of laundry and worrying and cleaning up. You made a face once. That does not make you a bad grandmother, it makes you a normal person having a hard time. Kids are more resilient to one bad moment than we think, especially when all the other moments are full of love like yours clearly are.